I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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