I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize