I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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