Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
