where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
