My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
