Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
