She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
