1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
and she was petting her beer can
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
