if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
