next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Randomize
