got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Actions speak louder than pants.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize