May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
