All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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