Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
