I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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