me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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