I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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