I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
