Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize