Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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