If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
