She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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