last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize