i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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