They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
