i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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