Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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