You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
