he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
