I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
