you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
