you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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