the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
