I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
