dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize