turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
