I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
