disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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