its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
