I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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