Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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