9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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