2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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