I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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