I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
