so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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