nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
