Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
love makes seman taste better
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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