He disabled his match.com account in front of me
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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