Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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