I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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