there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize