New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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