Buhtt sex?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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