I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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