so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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