Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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