The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Actions speak louder than pants.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize