Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
