Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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