He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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