so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
