i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
