Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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